Welcome to Issue 4 of 'The Pete'

Welcome to the 4th edition of ‘The Pete’.  I’ve spent the past two weeks pondering what to deliver to you good folks, as you well know by now that I value your time and sincerely don’t want to waste it.  Without further ado, this is what I came up with…

Sometimes a photo with a caption isn’t enough.

Sometimes you have to get closer to the scene to really understand what’s happening. For those of you following my ‘That’s a little bouncy’ campaign, you know it came to light as a result of not wanting to say “that’s so gay”. Of course I don’t really think it’s gay homosexually speaking, I simply mean cheesy, corny, geeky, or nerdy. Until I discovered bouncy, gay was the only word that truly captured these colorful descriptors!  Last week I found myself in a parking lot when I overheard two guys strike up a conversation about the Star Wars movies – for 30 minutes? If you’re still a bit confused by what ‘bouncy’ means, check out the clip below and I’m certain any doubts will be alleviated.
2 Guys standing in the parking lot talking about Star Wars....that's a little bouncy.

The Gynecologists

Through the years I’ve been a part of many sketches and short films that were over the top. Three years ago I played the lead in a film that was so ridiculous and so over the top that even a few short words trying to explain it would be fruitless. In the next few months, I plan to release scenes from that movie along with stories about the filming.  In order to prepare you for that ridiculous footage I thought it best to warm you up with a scene from an equally over the top short film I made several years ago where I shared the lead with comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg played my manager and I played a comedian who was hired to perform at a girl’s sweet sixteen party. In the film, I wasn’t aware of the girl’s age or that her Dad was a mobster, so I slept with her, her Dad finds out and now his goons are chasing Greg and I. To get away, we run into a building that just happens to be a gynecologist’s office and in order to hide, we pretend to be doctors. For a short film, the cast was stacked with great comedians including: Lewis Black, Jim Norton, Rich Vos and the comedian that co-stars in the clip below…this is me, Greg Fitzimmons and the great Judi Gold in a scene from THE GYNECOLOGISTS.
I can honestly say I feel that with each passing year, I’m a better comedian than I was the year before and the bit I’m sharing below is my validation of that.  Check out the clip and I’ll explain.
I was doing that skydiving bit about two or three years ago, the bit’s ok, it got a decent laugh but I always felt I wasn’t giving proper justice to how I felt on that day. Recently I came across the video of me skydiving, watching it brought back the memories and made me realize how lazy my first attempt at doing the bit really was. I’m not a lazy comedian (shit how could I be? I have a self-published newsletter that’s growing faster than Taylor Swift’s twitter feed) plus if I was a lazy comedian I would have kept doing the bit because it did get laughs.  But hearing the bit and then watching the skydiving clip really makes me think I must be getting better at stand up, because now I can see how much I left on the table.
Look at me in that video, do I look like a man concerned with receiving an impromptu hand job as I implied in the bit? Quite the contrary, I look scared out of my mind. That’s called hack folks, it’s like weeds in your grass. No matter how many years you’ve been at it, hack bits still pop up and you constantly have to be on the lookout for them. A good comedian kills ‘em before they get too big and impossible to control. Now let’s take a look at all the fat I left on the bone, all the honest stuff I never addressed, like all that finger waving and sticking the tongue out.
  A friend once asked me if I’ve ever had a midlife crisis, I answered no, but apparently I did and just never realized it. By the way, I didn’t realize my instructor had no bottom teeth until I reviewed the tape…had I known I was skydiving with a pirate I may have jumped ship.

Check out my brown and gold sneakers, would you believe they weren’t even a skydiving purchase and were already part of my wardrobe? Yeah, let that thought settle.

And how about that little padded helmet they made me wear?  It seemed as pointless that day as it does on the video. Did they hand out Band-Aids before the battle of Gettysburg? Can you picture a soldier walking around saying, “Grab a few Band-Aids fellas, things could get crazy out here.”

Nice beard, am I jumping out of a plane or auditioning for The Right Stuff.

My teeth were so white from teeth whitening gel that the pilot had to taxi back to the hangar for a darker pair of lenses.

Notice my reluctance to crawl toward the door and jump from the plane, if anyone asks me if I ever jumped out of a plane the honest answer should be “No but I paid $350 to have a man shove me out of one.”
Talk about an emotional roller coaster, in the start of the video I’m sticking my tongue out like James Hetfield, 30 seconds later I’m declaring my dying love for my wife.

As the plane ascends I look like a defendant watching the jury walk back in.
By the way that plane was such a piece of shit, just before I jumped out I turned to the pilot and wished THEM good luck..

The instructor kept trying to hold my head up so the video guy could get a good shot of my face, but it looked like a sorority girl trying to keep the puke out of her “sister’s” hair.

The best part is I skydived that day with a friend, when we got the videos back we watched them together with our wives one evening. We watched his video first; after he landed the guy asked him if he’d ever skydive again. He said “Hell yes I’ll go right now let’s do it!”

Then we watched my video and my answer was ‘No I’m good.”  Oh yeah, there’s some machismo for you baby. My wife doesn’t even like to watch the skydiving video because she says seeing me so frightened upsets her. Men have photo albums from their time in “Nam” and my wife can’t look at a video of me skydiving in the Poconos.

Now we got the makings of a stand up bit.

Stories in the Attic

I’d like to take this moment and wish you all a fantastic summer.  This is the part of the program where I warn you to about proper SPF, swim only where there are lifeguards on duty and wear a helmet when you ride a bike.  Ya know, safety tips on how to avoid bodily harm. That’s all fine and dandy but I decided to focus on something far more important than your health and that’s your wallet. Click below to view the latest STORY FROM THE ATTIC - a cautionary summer tale.

Upcoming Dates

Thursday 07/09/15 @ 7:30 PM
Friday 07/10/15 @ 7:30 PM
Friday 07/10/15 @ 9:45 PM
Saturday 07/11/15 @ 7:00 PM
Saturday 07/11/15 @ 9:30 PM
Sunday 07/12/15 @ 7:00 PM
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T-Shirt Competition Winners!

The T-shirts are on order and will be ready next week, but I have to thank everyone who voted and as promised here are the 3 lucky winners who will receive a free T-shirt each.
1) Bill Uldrich of NY Windham, NY 12496 USA
2) Pat Boone of Wheaton, IL 60189 USA
3) Erin Kelly of Towson, Md 21286 USA
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