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The family show where everyone plays the game

26th December 2015-1st January 2016

We're back! We're sensational!


We're back! We're sensational!
Hullo again to the second part of the bumper Christmas Creamguide, where we won't stop until it's 2016. Don't forget we do this all year round and we wouldn't mind your help in filling it up for the next 52 weeks, so keep your letters coming to creamguide@tvcream.co.uk. Onwards!
 

BOXING DAY

BBC1


14.25 A Grand Night In - The Story of Aardman
We've got lots to thank Tony Hart for, not only for inspiring a nation of children to take up art but also for providing a showcase for a host of budding animators, a cottage industry springing up around the BBC studios in Bristol to take advantage of Vision On's patronage. Undoubtedly the most famous are Aardman who are now probably up there with Warner Bros and Disney as a name to trust for quality animation, so they deserve this celebration.
20.00 Still Open All Hours
Well, this revival's not pulled up any trees but last year it illustrated that it could pull in an audience in a normal week and not just when everyone's half-pissed at Christmas. It's nice to see David Jason, Roy Clarke and the rest of the team still working as well, and the more family friendly mainstream comedy in the schedules the better. Indeed this is one of the few proper sitcom comedy specials we've got now, so we're happy to see it, even if we're not going to watch it.

BBC2


17.30 Don't Panic! The Dad's Army Story
18.20 We're Doomed! The Dad's Army Story
19.20 Dad's Army

Nice scheduling here, although it would have been more positive to put them the other way round. Saturday night has been Dad's Army night for ages now so that's not going to change just because it's Boxing Day. Victoria Wood's documentary might have been on more times than half the episodes by now, mind.

ITV


18.00 The Nation's Favourite Disney Song
BBC4 are repeating their compilation of Disney songs on Christmas Eve, and here’s most of them again. Actually we always used to associate ITV with Disney, to the extent we found the continued presence of Disney Time on the BBC baffling when everything else was on the light channel, but now with The Jungle Book on C4, The Little Mermaid on C5 and the big premieres on BBC1, the association is not what it was, and we just get the odd thing like this instead.

CHANNEL 4


18.30 Britain's Favourite Children's Books with David Walliams
It would be easy to say that David Walliams owes his success as a kids author to his celebrity, but it's not like the kids themselves really know who he is - like we didn’t really know who Spike Milligan was when we loved his books growing up - and it's clear the target audience loves his stuff, he takes it all very seriously and people like Quentin Blake are very approving of it. And here he is illustrating his obvious delight in proceedings with this treasure chest of children's literature.

CHANNEL 5


17.05 One Chance
In which Pol Pot gets his chance at fame and a shot at an appearance on The Royal Variety Show. Next week, General Franco strives to master plate-spinning to secure his place on the bill for Live At Her Majesty’s.
22.30 Most Shocking Christmas TV Moments
Not at all sure what's going to be in this, to be honest, though with Anne Diamond and Mike Read billed as talking heads they might be something from more than a decade ago, and we hear there's TVC presence as well, although it was filmed at the same time as another clip show so we didn't specifically sign up for this one. Still, watching Roger de Courcey die on his arse should be a Christmas tradition up there with The Snowman, so let’s at least hope we get that.

ITV3


12.35 On the Buses
14.25 Mutiny On the Buses
16.15 Holiday On the Buses

You can get it on the buses, upstairs or downstairs inside! That’s our Boxing Day sorted then.

5 Star


14.55 Mannequin
16.50 Labyrinth
18.55 Three Men and a Baby
00.00 Spies Like Us

Not nearly enough of Sir Steve Guttenberg on show this Christmas and next to no Anthony Michael Hall. Very poor show. As to the first of these, the star that was Andrew McCarthy has always baffled us rather, since he seemed the most charmless of the Brat Pack crowd. And given that was a crowd that included Judd Hirsch, that’s really saying something. Still, let’s not complain too much since the erstwhile popsters running this channel have a better appreciation of what ought to be on telly at Christmas than any of the charmless nerks scheduling the top of the EPG. Heigh ho. Spies Like Us is shit, mind.

BBC Radio 2


13.00 Pick of the Pops
As ever Tony's working all hours over Christmas for the umpteen stations he has shows on, including Radio 2, with a bumper three hour edition here. As far as we're concerned the best hour is the last when it's 1989, including we hope Jason Donovan's best record by miles, and then before that two not especially festive years in 1966 and 1979, but you've heard all the Christmas songs enough by now anyway.
18.00 The Sound of Motown - 50 Years On
While Top of the Pops has undoubtedly been the number one music show on telly for many years, some of that success was surely down to ITV frittering away the advantage at the last minute, axing shows like Oh Boy, Thank Your Lucky Stars and Ready Steady Go the second British pop stopped booming quite as much as it had. The latter especially was incredibly influential, not least the night in April 1965 when it devoted the whole show to Motown, bringing together most of the label's roster in many cases for the first time on British television. Here’s Gambo chatting to Berry Gordy and producer Vicki Wickham about it, and then current artists like Lemar recreating it.

SUNDAY

27th DECEMBER

BBC1


13.50 Mary Poppins
The only sensible thing we’ve ever heard Kermode say about a film is that anyone who doesn’t love this film is an idiot. Which is, surprisingly, totally correct. It’s a perfect film. FACT. But it ought to have been on Christmas Day.

BBC2


08.15 A Man For All Seasons
In the morning? Might put you in the mood for one of those leftover custard tarts, we suppose.
13.45 Cockleshell Heroes
Dave Lodge. That is all.
17.25 Porridge
1975 again, this cracking show once more illustrating what an ace Christmas it was - and there was even a strike on the 29th so there was no news all day! What a festive season that must have been.
18.10 Deep Impact
We’re not embarrassed to say we have a very serious infatuation with this film. Obvious big budget, impressive cast, exciting premise, fine cinematography and none-too-shabby special effects, it somehow manages to be absolute shit. Consequently we watch it roughly once a quarter and will continue so to do until we work it out. There’s just SO MUCH WRONG! Tea Leone reads the news like someone who keeps being told she can’t go for a jobby; the insufferable Vanessa Rednose fucks about to no obvious purpose and then gets fully dressed and made up so she can kill herself apparently oblivious to the very salient fact that not only is her pendant straight out of Betty Duke but that her bowels will evacuate all over her immaculate frock in short order; everyone’s parents look far too old; Frodo Baggins and his girlfriend survive the deluge with a baby that is actually her younger sister thereby ensuring the first generation after the disaster will be eight-toed lumpy weirdos; Robert Duvall acts his part like he’s continually talking to the spirit of Doris Stokes over his left shoulder; the space ship crew are utter pricks to a man; the principle clue offered for James Cromwell being prepared to clear out is that he has loads of tins of evaporated milk on his boat; and the newsroom is a melange of ludicrous clichés, right down to the wee Asian woman shouting out “Does anyone know the size of the one that killed the dinosaurs?!” to no one in particular (let alone the bloke randomly screaming “Where are graphics?”). Yes it is awful. And yes, we will be watching.

ITV


10.40 Superman
Remember when superhero films were about relationships between people and struggling to fit in and emotions and narrative development and ting? If you’d like to enjoy your afternoon in the company of charming characters in exciting situations confounding dastardly baddies, sit back and enjoy. If you’d prefer a hellmouth of noise and violence, stick on Man of Steel. Go on, it’ll make you feel better. Cos however bad your Christmas may have been, you haven’t been casually murdered by a pair of aliens laying waste to a city with no thought for the consequences. Is completing insurance paperwork a superpower? It better be, otherwise the backlog at Metropolis Mutual will stretch out to infinity.

CHANNEL 4


16.45 Escape to Victory
Go to the left.

CHANNEL 5


11.45 Cromwell
Michael Jayston was quite the man for the historical epic around this period, wasn’t he? Between conniving around behind the back of Harris in this and then sprawling across the endless vista of Nicholas and Alexandra he seemed to be a young actor going places. As it transpired, he was only going to Albert Square. Meanwhile, back at the illegally fenced common this has nothing whatsoever to do with actual proper history but is great fun nonetheless: Robert Morley scoffing chicken legs in a field, Charles Gray in the majority, Alex Guinness falling back on a Stanley Baxter impression when vexed, Frank Finlay up to his ear’oles in ear’oles let alone Harris affording the crazed Cambridge dictator an accent straight from the top end of Limerick, it’s quality Hollywood bobbins to accompany a trifle sandwich.

ITV3


20.30 Cilla's Surprise Surprise Unseen
This is new, apparently, and we're mentioning it because we're absolutely fascinated to see when this unseen footage actually comes from - not that they show much of the previously seen stuff these days. A big show in its day, we used to love it on Friday or Sunday nights - never Saturdays - and it was probably Cilla's best vehicle, with all the bits of business with the phones and the Cillagrams, as well as her top support team of Bob Carolgees and Gordon Burns. But heaven knows if any of that will make the cut or we'll just have the noughties stuff instead.

Horror


22.50 Videodrome
In which Alex Cox tries to convince half drunk bored teenagers to watch Paris, Texas before Mark Cousins crashes in to whisper nondescript bollocks about Way of the Arrow.

MONDAY

28th DECEMBER

BBC1


19.00 Celebrity Mastermind
Two people we've laughed a lot at on telly feature tonight with Rob Delaney, star of one of the year's best sitcoms in Catastrophe, answering questions on John Belushi, while the great Dominic Wood does Harry Houdini. But we also like this show when the celebrities don’t pick a subject to make themselves look clever, so well done to Steph Houghton for ensuring John has to read out questions on TOWIE.

BBC2


08.45 Ivanhoe
Elizabeth Taylor and Robert 'No Relation' Taylor head the bill in Richard Thorpe's mostly faithful retelling of Sir Walter Scott's novel in glorious Singing-Ringing-Tree-O-Color, though eagle-eyed Cream-friendly viewers may well be more interested in keeping an eye out for Francis de Wolff, later better known for appearing - if that's the right word - as over-bearded recurring villain Jedikiah in The Tomorrow People. Partly filmed at Doune Castle, which should amuse any Jeremy Angerson-era Neighbours adherents looking in.
12.30 Talking Comedy
This was a curious series from earlier in the year, a spin-off of Talking Pictures made up entirely of interviews with comedians, which turned up unbilled in the schedules at Easter, promised a few more episodes which haven’t appeared and was then followed by a virtually identical series on Gold. No sign of the other ones yet but here are some of the episodes from Easter again during the week, kicking off with Les Dawson.

CHANNEL 4


00.50 The Omen
Sylvester McCoy and David Rappaport fail to put in appearance for the ultimate film where your dad would leap up to bodily obscure the television whenever ITV ran a trailer for it in an inappropriately child-proximitied ad-break. More a collection of setpieces than a coherent storyline if we're being honest about it, but what seat-leap-occasioning setpieces they are. And they have the added benefit of not being in Hot Fuzz.
02.45 The China Syndrome
Three Mile Island-anticipating meltdown-fixated 'modern horror', with Jack Lemmon as the coffee-spooked technician Pulling A Homer, Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas as the reporters trying to stop him from sweeping it under the radioactive carpet, and a special guest appearance by The IBA Colour Bars. Possibly even in the correct aspect ratio.

CHANNEL 5


10.50 An American In Paris
13.00 Anchors Aweigh
15.55 High Society

Channel 5 are really pulling out all the mid-morning-to-early-afternoon stops this week, and this is just the first of several impressive one-film-after-the-other lineups you'll find over the next couple of days. First up, Gene Kelly stars in the Hancock-esque tale of a painter struggling to make it in Paris and trying to woo Nina Foch, to the strains of Tom And Jerry soundtrack offcuts and a surreal showpiece Jeeves And Wooster-esque climax. Then Gene's back in cahoots with Frank Sinatra for a not-quite prequel to On The Town, as sailors on shore leave trying to woo Kathryn Grayson, which somehow involves actually dancing with Jerry. They don't sing that song from Watch though. Then finally Frank's teaming up with Bing Crosby in a Horace Theatremanager and Cecil Rivaltheatremanager-esque battle for the affections of the suspiciously named 'Tracy Lord'. A more agreeable watch today than John Bishop's Gorilla Adventure, which sadly will likely promise more than it delivers.
21.00 The Frank Sinatra Story
22.00 Frank Sinatra Live In New York

Just sneaking into the centenary year by the absolute skin of its teeth, the latter is from 1974 while the former is brand new, though presumably acquired from somewhere and oddly produced by former Wham! manager Simon Napier-Bell.

BBC4


19.00 Doctor Who
Once more we'll take this opportunity to marvel at the continued success of the Pops repeats, given that the last time the Beeb decided to start an exhaustive Doctor Who repeat run in 1999, they only got through three stories before abandoning it in the face of hopeless ratings, and that's a show with a far bigger fanbase. There's still space for the odd repeat, mind, and here's The Face Of Evil shown over the next two nights for pretty much no reason at all, other than the fact it went out over the Christmas period in 1976. And that is it.
20.00 The Royal Institution Christmas Lectures
We think the only programme from BBC Television's first ever Christmas in 1936 to still appear in the schedules this Christmas is this, but even then it was a fixture of the festive season, the first lectures being given in 1825. They've always looked to the future though, as illustrated again this year as Kevin Fong looks at space and our man at the space station Tim Peake is on the blower.
23.00 Papillon
Steve McQueen gets framed for a crime he didn't commit, unlike all the other ones he actually did, and is sent off to a remote jungle prison for a series of Escape From Stalag Luft 112b-style hi-jinks. And from now on we'll be permanently associating this film with the word 'Papillon', rather than that song by Rolf HaNEE NAW NEE NAW ETC.

TUESDAY

29th DECEMBER

BBC1


19.00 Celebrity Mastermind
Graham Fellows was inadvertently responsible for one of the best moments in this show's history when a round on The Shuttleworths involved John asking questions on Ken Worthington and the mini-break in Giggleswick. Now he's on the show himself talking Donald Crowhurst, while 5 Live's Chris Warburton discusses his comedic contemporaries Reeves and Mortimer.

BBC2


08.45 Show Boat
BBC2 can hardly exactly be accused of showboating by putting it on this early, but all the same it's good to start the day with Grayson, Gardner and Keel card-sharking their way along the Mississippi like some lost Sammy Snyders-deficient subplot from The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn And Friends. Sadly though it's the start to - as is tradition - a rather filmically threadbare day, but if you're in the mood for something a bit different to watch instead then today's the day that Straight Outta Compton, this corner of the Creamguide (Films) Office's cinematic highlight of the year, crashlands on iTunes. Definitely not for the faint-hearted but it's a fun and at times surprisingly edge-of-the-seat offering, and while it may not exactly scale new heights of political correctness it's not as though the real life events that it’s based on did either, even if as predicted MC Ren basically gets to go "eh-" in the middle of one scene and that's it. Shame they didn't include anything about badly copied C60s with smudged wrong tracklistings being furtively exchanged between lessons, though.
21.00 A Life on Screen - Stephen Fry
We’ve stopped watching QI, we're afraid, mostly because most of the people we used to like on it seem to have stopped appearing, but none of the people we don't like on it have. It's easy to slag off Stephen for being a dreadful old luvvie but just for A Bit Of Fry And Laurie he deserves all the plaudits he's going to get in this hour, we reckon.

CHANNEL 5


12.30 Carry On Nurse
14.15 The Dam Busters

More fine consecutive filmage from Channel 5 today, with a brace of movies so well known that they scarcely require any introduction, though unfortunately they're then followed by that Jack Black version of Gulliver's Travels from a couple of years back. Presumably somebody clicked on the wrong link on the Wikipedia Disambiguation page.

BBC4


21.00 Roy Orbison - One of the Lonely Ones
With his huge glasses, distinctive voice and that bit in Pretty Woman where he goes "rowwwarr", The Big O has become a bit of a cliché, but his story is a genuinely fascinating one, his mysterious stage presence where he didn't look at the audience and stood stock still coming about being he suffered from terrible stage fright. He also had a turbulent private life and long periods where he was completely down the dumper, but he enjoyed a huge critical resurgence and when he died was probably as famous and popular as he'd ever been. And here's his story.

BBC Radio 2


20.00 Leo Green Remembers The Candy Man Sammy Davis Jr
We're certainly celebrating the great voices this Christmas, what with Sinatra and Orbison, and now a clunkily titled programme which celebrates surely the acme of the term "all-round entertainer", who could probably have made a career out of the gun twirling alone. Very much America's answer to Roy Castle, we feel.

WEDNESDAY

30th DECEMBER

BBC1


19.00 Celebrity Mastermind
As we always say, one of the other reasons we like this show is because the general knowledge questions are that bit easier, which is exactly what we want at a time when we're often watching with our families and can feel a bit cleverer. Tonight it's Kimberley Nixon on Auf Weidersehen Pet, Jon-Allan Butterworth on Alice Cooper and Nick Helm on Poirot.

BBC2


21.00 Charlie Brooker's 2015 Wipe
Not seen much of Charlie this year, although that's only because he usually has about ten different shows on the go. We know he's doing a load more Black Mirrors for Netflix at least, but we haven't lost him from normal telly because he's back with his usual review of the year, once more confirming him as the nearest thing we've got to a modern day Clive James. Dunno if he's going to sing in this one, though.

ITV


12.30 Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory
“Maybe he’s forgotten you!”. Thankfully, there’s a bit more in the way of worthwhile Motion Pictures to get stuck into today, kicking off with Mel Stuart’s psychotropic Tim Brooke-Taylor cameo-fuelled take on Roald Dahl’s child-admonishing Tuck Odyssey, replete with Gene Wilder doing his best Eric Idle impression (or, if raining, Steve Punt), and Anthony Newley in full-on London Bye-Ta-Ta mode. The best adaptation of the novel by some considerable distance, and all the better for the fact that Ro(n)ald reportedly disliked it. Still can’t work out what Mike Teavee had done that was so wrong, though. Grunka, Lunka, dunkity-darmed guards...
21.00 It'll Be Alright on the Night
We said this about You Saw Them Here First the other week, but the same is true here, no matter how badly they do this format, and how much time-wasting whimsy we get in it, we're always going to watch it because it's still a brilliant format. So even if this is 95% Stephen Mulhern swearing, the 5% is enough to keep us coming back again and again.

CHANNEL 4


07.10 The Love Bug
Science, Miss Hawthorne, not sorcery! The film that jumpstarted the whole Volkswagen With A Mind Of Its Own franchise, only this time with just-about-far-out-enough-to-say-you’d-been pseudo-‘psychedelic’ overtones which would be noticeably absent from the later instalments, chiefly concerned as they were with, erm, bananas. Meanwhile, our challenge to Walt’s Boys over the TVS archive still stands, and if we don’t have The Boy Who Won The Pools on DVD soon, we’ll be treating That Bastard Mouse to a very special game of Punch Herbie.

CHANNEL 5


10.25 Carry On Constable
12.10 Carry On Spying
13.55 Annie Get Your Gun
16.05 Calamity Jane

Two of the lesser-spotted ‘Ons kick off the day’s fun on Channel 5, both hailing from the original less-knocker-driven more-monochrome-slapstick phase of the Carrying, the former a superior ‘bumbling coppers’ affair, and the latter an ambitious Bond/U.N.C.L.E./R.3 (possibly) spoof with the first ever outing of the soon to be ubiquitous ‘Barbara Windsor’s tits too big to allow something to happen’ gag. Then there’s some sharp-shootin’ rootin’ tootin’ crackin’ away of whips courtesy of Betty Hutton and the life story of Annie Oakley, complete with not-as-historically-inaccurate-as-you-might-think song and dance numbers. Then finally, Doris Day in a biopic of forgotten Rentaghost regular Catastrophe Kate.

BBC4


19.30 Tomorrow's World
Wow! Well, we did say 1975 was a vintage Christmas, and the Beeb are clearly trying to prove that by repeating virtually everything from it - including this! Again there's no obvious reason to repeat it other than the fact it's an episode of Tomorrow's World from forty years ago and that will be very amusing to see. It's not quite your usual episode, though, as for Christmas Raymond, William, Michael and Judith welcome a load of kids to try out the latest gadgets and gizmos.
22.00 Vertigo
James Stewart and Kim Novak in the celebrated psychological thriller that launched a million Keep Calm And Carry On-like appropriations of its poster iconography, and look out for Hitchcock’s cameo in this one. It’s when he leans right in front of the camera and goes “der ner ner nuh nuh ner nuh”.

NEW YEAR'S EVE

BBC1


19.00 Celebrity Mastermind
Last one of these for the fortnight, with a couple more to sneak out early in 2016. Tonight we've got Lisa Maxwell on Judy Garland, Simon Greenall on D-Day and Conor McNamara selling himself as an expert on whisky, which many other people will no doubt be doing over the next few hours.
00.00 New Year's Eve Fireworks
If you're at a party tonight there's a better than average chance the DJ will play Summer of 69, a record wedding DJs seem obsessed with for some reason despite it being horrible and undanceable. Sadly you can’t escape it even if you're at home as Bryan Adams is performing live around the bongs, though there's obviously a break for what is now almost always the most watched TV show of the year.
REGIONALIA!
Meanwhile in Scotland it's a line-up that with Still Game and Only An Excuse - a title we're pretty sure nobody now knows the meaning behind - makes BBC1's Christmas Day look like the height of innovation. But we've also got Planet Hogmanay at twenty past nine which promises to look through the archives at the traditions of the season, no doubt digging out the Scotch and Wry clips again.

BBC2


08.45 Father Of The Bride
11.15 Custer Of The West

BBC2 are making an admirable effort to jump on Channel 5’s bandwagon today with their own morning-straddling selection of film classics. Well, we SAY consecutive, though these two are bisected by Natural World: A Bear With A Bounty, but if the Creamguide Ed is billing that then we’ll eat a BBC Midlands Spiral Paper Hat. Unless it’s about a bear with a Bounty BAR, in which case they probably would. Anyway, Spencer Tracy does that arm-shrugging ‘see?’ gesture when Elizabeth Taylor tells him she’s getting married to Don Taylor, followed by Robert Shaw in an arrow-thru-hat biopic of the controversial last stander, but we’re really just warming up here. Because third on the bill is...
13.30 Ice Station Zebra
YES! Cold War sci-fact tension a-go-go as McGoohan, Borgnine and Hudson mount a precarious Arctic rescue mission whilst hoping that those Soviet pings don’t move too far along the radar for comfort. Overlong, overambitious, scenically sparse of-its-time hokum hated by Halliwell – a recommendation in our book – which makes it ideal shops-are-shut afternoon viewing. Not sure if BBC2 will incorporate the interval, mind.

CHANNEL 5


09.50 Carry On Teacher
Sadly Channel 5 are a bit all over the place today, with the I’m Listening Mr. Harr-ris antics of this most innocent of Carry Ons followed by something or other about Frank Sinatra, and then a film with James Corden in. Has the usual scheduler gone out for a Starbucks or something? And it’s about to get even worse.
15.55 The Wizard Of Oz
Well, we get stick when we slag this off, but we get stick when we just don’t bother billing it too, so slagging off you’ll get. You can’t have your cake and eat it, you know. Although Dorothy probably bloody would and then sing an annoying song about it too. Anyway, we’ve not done our Spot The William Hartnell competition this year yet, and this time someone might even enter. So when you spot the erstwhile First Doctor in a film somewhere during this fortnight, write in and let us know. You don’t win a prize but it’ll give us something to fill a billing with in the first Creamguide of the New Year.

BBC4


22.55 Made In Dagenham
You might think this is a touch on the modern side for us, but it’s a fab fable about a real-life blow for equal rights and industrial relations by some dollybirds in stripy orange and red miniskirts and well worth a look. Speaking vaguely of which, there’s just enough room to squeeze in a recommendation for Saint Etienne’s latest film How We Used To Live, a fascinating look at modern London history through archive footage of people and places. And Jon P'twee dressed as a fireman for some reason.

ITV2


18.45 ET: The Extra-Terrestrial
Stephen Spielberg’s syrupy tale about a man who explodes and goes inside out. You’ll believe a bike can fly!

BBC Radio 2


12.00 What The World Needs Now Is Burt Bacharach
Radio 2 have been very good this Christmas in not scheduling documentaries in daylight hours, not because they're no good because we really don’t think they're suitable when you're trying to navigate the motorways while visiting relatives. This one's acceptable, though, because it’s accompanied by some of the most famous songs ever written.

NEW YEAR'S DAY

BBC1


11.55 Top of the Pops
As in previous years there's a second instalment this Christmas, though it's in a totally bizarre slot, especially as its usual New Year's Eve early evening is only taken up by a stack of repeats, and we can't imagine many of its target audience will be around at this time of day. But here it is anyway, possibly for the last time! Though probably not.
13.15 The Sound Of Music
A: You stop showing the sodding annoying film she’s the central character in.
21.00 Sherlock
Almost certainly the most anticipated show of this Christmas, or indeed every Christmas since, well, the last time it was on, as the world and his wife knows this one's a bit different to usual because it's set in Victorian times. Everyone's being a bit coy as to how this is written into the plot and whether it actually has any bearing on the regular stories, but you'll just have to watch it to find out. Which you will anyway.

BBC2

08.50 Viva Las Vegas
Kiss-Up In Hawaii-era Elvis tries to get all three of ZZ Top on a fruit machine in this song, dance and romance car-racing laugh-riot, sadly not being shown here under its Boss Cat-style original UK release title of Love In Las Vegas, adopted due to the apparent concurrent release of another film of the same name that absolutely nobody seems to know anything about at all. And no, it’s not the 1956 one either. They cut the Danger Island segments out of that anyway.
20.30 The Many Faces of Ronnie Corbett
21.30 The One Ronnie

It seems a bit like Ronnie C has got this honour because they've already done Ronnie B, but we should probably give Ron a bit more respect because he could have just rested on his laurels when the other one jacked it in and lived off the clip shows, but he's determined to move with the times, and has now worked on his own for longer than he did with his mate. Then it's followed by his comedy special from the other Christmas Day which featured most of the BBC1 comedy family and was likeable enough in that context, though whether it's as amusing when you're less inebriated we're not sure.

CHANNEL 5


10.50 Carry On Cabby
Another of the less well known entries in the series, and a problematically progressive one to boot as ‘the women’ take on their male business rivals and make mincemeat of them. Not that this would stop Pappy’s Fun Club mind. Anyway, sadly, Channel 5 then immediately drop the ball again, following this with Bigfoot And The Hendersons – a film that we’re not sure that anyone has ever actually seen – and after that some even less interesting fare still. Dr No’s on ITV if you’d rather.

ITV3


17.05 Blue Murder At St Trinians
The psychotic schoolgirls, Flash Harry and a dragged-up Alistair Sim are back in action in a madcap and frankly incomprehensible plot that somehow incorporates diamond thieves, UNESCO and water polo. The You’re Kidding, Right? pupil casting this time round takes in Dilys Laye, Rosalind Knight and Goon-favoured model Sabrina, whose legendary acting prowess sees her take on the role of a school swot who is too busy reading Dostoyevsky to get involved in anything so problematic as dialogue.

BBC Radio 2


14.00 So You Thought They Were Hits 3
Tony Blackburn saw us into 2016 last night and he's back bright and bushy tailed here, though possibly on tape, with another selection of turntable hits, album tracks and American singles that have become more famous than half the stuff that’s actually been in the charts.
22.00 Katie Puckrik - Yacht Rock
And taking up her regular position as the last thing in the Christmas Creamguide, it's Katie with another compilation of AOR and soft rock to lounge on a leather sofa to, while as ever we hope we'll see a lot more of Katie in the new year because we think she's ace.

And that's your lot!

That's it for another Christmas, so if you've made it to the end, congratulations, and we hope you've enjoyed it and we’ve been of use to you. Creamguide shall return after Christmas, although as it stands it'll be more likely we appear on New Year's Day rather than New Year's Eve. But it's not like you'll remember what day it is, and we will be with you, we promise. So in the meantime, have a happy Christmas!
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